Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
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Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.