I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
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Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
it be like that
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
So sick of all these stupid rules
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Whoa 😂
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
me adding lol on a serious message
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.