Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
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A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN