I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
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Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
birds and squirrels envy us
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Breaking news:
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos