[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
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Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.