Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
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My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 馃挄
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me