Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
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Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope