DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
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Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?