6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
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HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.