When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
You Might Also Like
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
me and my fake scenarios
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Nigella has gone too far this time.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out