Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
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Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I wanna be friends with this person
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
I have never related to anyone more.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Saw online –
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Kermit goes Blue.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.