I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
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VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.