Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
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Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
When ur friends with white people
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.