dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
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I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
With this onion ring, I thee fed
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
yeah 😭
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes