the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
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My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.