If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
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The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.