I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
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Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
PLOT TWIST:
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.