You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
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Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.