I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
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The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket