There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
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I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Attacked by a mop.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
A friend sent me this.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”