I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
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Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow