“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
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It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
🤣🤣
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
twitter users today:
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
🤣😂🤣
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”