I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
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Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
english majors be like furthermore
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!