“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
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I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
True.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.