I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
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[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.