If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
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Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.