I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
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Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.