[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
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not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
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my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?