[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
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detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.