[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
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To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet