I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
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After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.