Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
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My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this