[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
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7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Not all heroes wear capes….
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.