-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
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Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
My first son he is wonderful
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”