Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
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I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me