*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
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Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap