wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
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GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??