My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
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My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
fly smarter, not harder
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
#NoRestForTheWicked
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there