You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
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“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I laughed at this way too hard.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it