I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
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The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.