Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
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Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Driving in Europe vs Canada
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Imma just leave this here…………
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th