Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
You Might Also Like
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*