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Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny