To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
You Might Also Like
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no