Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
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There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
(True)