[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
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Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Yes, but it was never about money
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
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My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass