ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
You Might Also Like
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
me, after any kind of buffet.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
*seductively corrects your posture*
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors