I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
You Might Also Like
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
IT’S-A ME,
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.