saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
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Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
This kid is going places
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”