Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
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Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.